Time Out

Most parents are familiar with the discipline technique of time out.  Some parents are so sophisticated that they refer to this as “re-direction” because, for them, discipline is a negative term.  In any case, time out is a great tool to be added to the parenting arsenal.

Without patronizing informed parents, let me briefly explain the value of time out as an intervention.  Time out means just that:  time out from playing, watching TV, talking, drawing, etc.  It is designed to demonstrate that inappropriate behaviors or bad choices bring certain consequences.  We use the word “consequence” instead of punishment because we, as parents, are told not to be punitive in our parenting (which is silly because if you ask any kid what time out is and they will tell you it is punishment.)  The bottom line here is that time out works because most kids don’t like being left out.  They hate the possibility of missing anything.  Time out puts their lives on hold, which kids really hate.  In their view, there is too much to do and too little time to do it.  This is a great technique because it gives the child time to reflect on decisions made or not made and motivates them to avoid this “terrible state of suspended animation” in the future.  Time out really works.

The problem here is sometimes parents confuse time out with “time off.”  Time off refers to those situations when we use time out because we need a break.  You know, those times when we need a quiet moment or just want to get the food on the table.  This is not time out because it does not focus on the need of the child but rather on what the “big people” want.  This is not a situation created for the child to learn as much as it is a chance for grown- ups to keep their sanity.  Now, I am all in favor of whatever it takes to keep one’s sanity, I’m just saying this is not the appropriate use for time out. 

I know that it is sometimes hard to distinguish between time out and “time off.”  Here is a quick hint in determining the difference. If your child comes to you, after being missing for the last hour, and asks if they can get out of time out and you’ve forgotten that you put them in time out; it probably was “time off.”

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